A Madman's Guide to Soul Judging
by iverniler
Summary: Can't decide who to send where while playing the game? Never fear! Mike the angel and Malacoda the demon are here to help, using their inside information to solve your philosophical dilemma! Warning: Contents may be volatile.
1. Prologue

Hello there! I'm your anonymous narrator. Congratulations on your purchase/loan/theft of Dante's Inferno! The video game, that is. As you play this game, you'll come across several souls in Hell that you will be asked to judge. It'll be up to you to decide whether to forcefully absolve them of their sins and send them to Heaven, or to damn them to Hell. Again. While the latter is basically a lateral move, it nevertheless is considered an important choice to make, not to mention a difficult one. I mean, who are we to decide where the dead should go? Well, your philosophical qualms can be put to rest! My company has decided to make a helpful guide to help you decide who gets ornithology lessons from St. Francis and who gets to spend the rest of eternity getting better acquainted with the business end of a pitchfork. And, to ensure that our decisions are 100% deity approved, we've decided to take a page out of The Divine Comedy, and used powers the likes of which man was not meant to know to summon an angel and a demon to debate the destination of our lucky shades. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to our metaphysical judges. First, the angel Buenodian!

_That's not my name._

True, but come on, no one will take you seriously if I say: "The angel Mike."

_Given that you just revealed my true name, I'd say the point is moot._

…Damn it.

_That's not my department._

Ugh, whatever. Our other guest comes to us straight from the 8th Circle. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the leader of the Third Platoon of the Fifth Company of the Second Division of the First Corps of the Malebranche, famous for his cameo role in the original Inferno, please give a warm round of applause for: Malacoda!

**Good to be back in print, friend. Also, I'd like to take a moment to say how great it is to be working with my old pal Mike again. Why, I can't remember the last time we were together!**

_That would be when you tried to cut off my wings during The Rebellion._

**Ah. Well, that's all in the past, right?**

_Fine, so long as you don't try it again._

Don't worry Mike; for your protection (and mine) we've put both of you in separate rooms, connected to each other by short-range radios, so there's absolutely no chance of a miniature Apocalypse occurring in this building.

**You just have to take all the fun out of everything, don't you?**

Yes, well, um… At any rate, these two will act as your counselors. After I indicate the circle we're in and the damned soul's name in the chapter's title, I'll give you the soul's background information. Then these two will debate whether you should save or re-damn him or her. Or it, in some cases. Mike will try to convince you that the soul should be saved, whereas Malacoda will try to keep the soul in Hell.

**No shit, Sherlock.**

_I must admit; that did seem fairly self-evident._

Oh, be quiet. These people bought Dante's Inferno, how smart can they be? Anyway, we'll always try to reach a conclusion, but in the end, the choice is still up to you, the player. Let's begin!


	2. Mortal Plane: Death

Our first…

_Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Death. The first thing you judge in this game… is Death._

Well…

_The Grim Reaper. Samhain. The being whose sole purpose is to ensure that everyone departs from the mortal plane at his or her appointed time. That Death?_

…Um… yes.

_Do you have any idea the number of philosophical, theological, ethical, and scientific quandaries the act of killing Death would cause?_

**Plus with Death dead, we'd get a tad fewer new arrivals back home. Do you know how boring it gets to torture the same guys over and over and over again?**

Okay guys, I think you're taking this a bit too seriously…

**Screw you, man! This is my livelihood we're talking about! I've got enough problems already without having to worry about some jagoff killing Death and stopping my supply of new souls!**

_Not to mention that the destruction of Death would cause irreparable damage to the fabric of the universe, leading to mass chaos and unending suffering for mankind!_

…**Tempting as that is, I'm still opposed to the idea.**

Look, if you're going to react like this every time the game's version of someone you know gets waxed, this is going to be a very long review, so can we just drop it?

**Fine. Just don't get any bright ideas, you. (He/She/It) got Genghis Khan, so what chance do you think you have?**

Noted.

_All right then, given that Death has always acted fairly and impartially towards (his/her/its) charges, I'd say that there is a strong argument to be made for…_

Actually, this is before you get the magic cross, so you really have no choice but to damn him. Er, it. Whatever.

…_Then what, precisely, was the point of bringing (him/her/it) up?_

Well, my producers and I thought that it might be interesting to…

**You were deliberately wasting our time, weren't you?**

No, no, nothing…

_You are aware that you are toying with two beings of immeasurable power who will have a direct voice in deciding your final destination once your mortal frame collapses, don't you?_

Now, let's not…

**How'd you like to get ahead of the curve and let me show you what you're in for down below?**

Wait, wait, that won't be necessary! I promise not to waste any more of your time!

_Good to know._

Jesus…


	3. Mortal Plane: Unnamed Undead Minion 1

Our next…

_If we have to go through each and every minion and lackey you have to judge over the course of the game, this venture will become very boring rather quickly._

**And here I always thought that patience was a virtue.**

_It is, but tedium is to be avoided whenever possible._

**As much as I hate to admit it, flyboy here actually has a point. I'd prefer not to have to spend the next few years discussing whether-or-not incubus #345 was really evil or just misunderstood.**

But my contract says…

**Does your contract offer medical coverage in the event of spontaneous combustion?**

…Can you do that?

_Well, we've never tried it before, but if you'd like…_

Fine, fine, I'll stick to the named souls.

**You'd better.**


	4. The River Acheron: Pontius Pilate

Our first actual candidate is one Pontius Pilate, a rather uninteresting Roman prefect in charge of the Judea province, who later rose to some fame because he was partially responsible for Jesus' death. Because he didn't cause Jesus' death so much as give in to the demands of the crowd, he isn't sentenced to Hell proper, but rather to an outlying area near the Acheron River, where those who weren't good or evil in life are mildly tormented for their indecision. All right, let's start the debate, boys!

**Okay, according to my records…**

Um, did either of you actually read your contracts?

_My only obligation is to the Lord._

**Brownnose.**

_Allow me to clarify; I can sign no agreement of servitude or "contract" with anyone other than God himself, for that would invalidate my oath to serve only him._

And… my producers… were okay with this?

_They were after I explained what I'm allowed to do to people who try to make me surrender my loyalty._

Ah. What about you?

**I don't sign contracts. Ever.**

But…

**Do you really think some namby-pamby lawyer would be able to force me to do anything?**

Fine, I guess I'll have to tell you then. According to our… well, my contract, I suppose; you aren't allowed to use sources outside of the game.

…_What?_

You can only use that which is common knowledge or directly stated in the game.

_Well then, why do you need us if you're just going to rely on information any layman could produce?_

Um, well, we…

**Yes?**

We thought this would be cooler, honestly.

…**Are you trying to say that the only reason we're here is because your boss thought it would be "cool" to bug two of the most powerful beings in the universe just to spice-up some crappy video-game guide that no one's going to even read?**

Well…

**I hate this world and everyone on it.**

_What a shocker, an anti-social demon._

**Shut-it, pigeon wings!**

Can we please get back to Pilate?

**But I already got his file out and everything!**

Fine, I'll make an exception this one time.

**Excellent. I think I'll make your death marginally less painful than the others.**

_Can you just get on with it? Your death-threats are getting stale._

**Yeah, yeah. Alright, according to my records, in addition to being partially responsible for Jesus' death, Pilate also was a cruel, inflexible ruler. He often executed dissidents without a trial, caused numerous insurrections among the Jews because of insensitivity to their customs, and once used money stolen from a Jewish temple to build an aqueduct.**

Oh. That was… surprisingly damning. Mike, your response?

_Well, he did feel guilty about killing Jesus._

…And?

_And nothing. That's all I've got._

**Hey, I found something else! Apparently, during one of the Jewish protests against him, Pilate hid soldiers among the crowd while he delivered a speech to explain his actions. A certain phrase in the speech was actually a signal, and when he said it, the soldiers all immediately sprang into action, beating and killing several of the unarmed Jews to disperse the crowd.**

…So… what you're saying is he should actually be a few levels further down.

**Basically.**

Any objections Mike?

_Not really. Quite frankly, I don't think God would be very happy to have Pontius Pilate in Heaven._

Well, you heard it here, player! Grab your scythe and get to damning! Oh, Mike?

_Yes?_

Out of curiosity, what is it you do to people who try to make you surrender your loyalty to God?

_Let's just say that it is exceedingly unpleasant. And rather messy, I might add._

Oh. I'll have to keep that in mind from now on.

_You do that._


	5. The River Acheron: Orpheus

Orpheus was a legendary Greek poet and musician who was so distraught when his wife Eurydice died that he went into the underworld to bring her soul back to the land of the living. His music was so moving that Persephone, Hades' wife and the queen of the Underworld, begged her apathetic husband to show pity. Hades relented, on the condition that Orpheus not look back toward his wife until she had completely left the Realm of the Dead. Orpheus agreed, but foolishly looked back just as he reached the Land of the Living to make sure Eurydice was following him, only to lose her forever, at which point he cursed the gods. His cause of death has been attributed to everything from suicide to being ripped apart by Maenads.

_And he's in Hell because…?_

Well, according to the game, it's because he tried to defy God's will by trying to bring back the dead.

**That wasn't in the original poem!**

Well, true, but it could have been.

_Not really. According to this fact sheet the producers gave us, Dante finds Orpheus' soul in Charon's boat. Which in this version apparently is also Charon, but my question is: Why is he only being shipped now?_

**Yeah, I mean, how lazy do they think we are? Do they honestly think we still had backlog from the Bronze Age during the Middle Ages? Or do they think that Orpheus' punishment would be having to endure the same boat ride over and over again for all eternity?**

Well… I imagine it made sense at the time.

_Somehow I doubt that._

Anyway, could we get on with the debate?

**Well, for all his "noble intentions," Orpheus disobeyed the edict of God that all the dead stay dead, and therefore should be punished. Oh yeah, and he cursed God, which is blasphemy.**

_True, but he did so naïvely unaware of the upheaval his actions could cause. One can't honestly punish him for being unaware. Besides, he failed, so no harm done. Also, he cursed the Greek gods, not God, and since they don't actually exist, that isn't blasphemous._

**Yeah, well he's still a pagan!**

_Correct, but if we start damning these people for as little as that, this will be a very one-sided debate._

…**Fine.**

All right, looks like Orpheus is getting to join the Heavenly chorus. Hope they have an opening for a lyre player!

_Don't try to be witty._

Fair enough.


	6. The River Acheron: Charon

Our next…

_Charon? Really?_

Now remember…

_I'm just curious about how precisely Dante intends to reach Hell if he up and destroys his only method of transportation?_

Oh, he climbs some entirely superfluous pillars while they crumble because Charon's body rammed into them, then runs across a bridge that was constructed for no discernable reason, and finally swings onto a walkway after shattering a solid brick wall with his scythe, where he forces open the door to limbo.

…**That's stupid on so many levels.**

_For once we are in complete agreement._

Guys, come on, not this again…

_Did it never occur to this "Dante" to ask himself how precisely the damned are supposed to reach Hell without Charon's ferry?_

Well, actually, the unjudged souls still seem to be marching towards Minos in a long, unbroken line, so apparently they're still getting there, somehow.

**Then what's the point of having Charon ferry the dead if they can get to Hell by themselves?**

Um… Maybe he's an affirmative action hire.

_Well, that makes about as much sense as everything else in this game, I suppose._

Anyway, can we please get on with the debate?

_Fine. Charon has always served to the best of his ability and done all he could to fulfill the will of Heaven, and therefore should be redeemed._

**Fine by me.**

What, no rebuttal?

**I just want to get this over with.**

Well, all right, I'll… Oh dear. It seems that while we were talking, Dante used a Hell-Beast to rip off Charon's head or prow or whatever. And toss it through the wall of the fortress in Limbo. And now he's pushing it back into the Acheron because Charon is immortal and Dante wants him to suffer.

_Can we please move on? I'm getting a migraine just listening to this._

Works for me.


	7. Limbo: Electra

Electra was the daughter of the Greek King Agamemnon and his wife Clytemnestra. After Clytemnestra and her lover Aegisthus (Agamemnon's rival) murdered Agamemnon and his newest slave girl, the cursed prophet Cassandra, Electra swore revenge on her mother and new stepfather, but was forced to work as their servant. When Electra's brother Orestes returned from his travels, also seeking vengeance, Electra hid him, as their mother and stepfather wanted Orestes dead. She then helped Orestes kill the two traitors. Electra later married King Pylades of Phocis, who had helped Orestes fulfill his revenge.

_Well, yes, she did help kill her mother; but she only did so because her mother was working her to death, was going to kill her brother, and Electra had literally no other recourse, since her mother had powerful friends she could call upon for aid if she lived. Sad as it was, if there was to be any justice or hope for poor Electra, she would have to kill her mother and stepfather._

Interesting point. Malacoda, your response?

**Pass.**

…What?

**Look, you honestly expect me to waste my time on some wishy-washy moral issue on whether or not it's okay to harm your parents in certain situations? Heck, the reason absolutions were created in the first place was so that people wouldn't have to agonize over this pointless crap! Come back when you've got some genuinely interesting sinners.**

B-but…

_Leave it alone; there's no reasoning with him when he gets like this._

Fine, redemption it is, I guess…


	8. Limbo: King Minos

King Minos (not to be confused with King Midas) was a king of ancient Crete who became the judge of the damned after his death. In this version he is blind and smells people's sins, allowing him to judge them, as opposed to the original, where his snake-like tail wrapped around his throne, the number of coils signifying the circle the soul was sentenced to. Also, the top of this version's head appears to be shaped like a group of columns arranged in a circle… for some reason.

**And yet another being whose death would seriously fuck up the way the Afterlife works.**

Look, can we just move on?

**Fine, whatever, I don't care anymore. I argue that…**

Oh, wait, Dante's decided to go his own way and has impaled Minos' tongue on a giant wheel with sharp spikes on it that Minos used to send the damned to their appropriate levels. And now he's released the wheel's brake, which made it spin out of control, slicing Minos' head in half.

_I can't help but think that this could only lead to bad things. I mean…_

Let's move on.


	9. Lust: Francesca da Polenta

Our next…

_Wait, wait, wait. That's it? That's all the people in Limbo that you get to judge?_

Um… yes. Why?

_What about Homer and Lucan and Socrates and all the other great pagan thinkers that Dante mentioned in his poem?_

Well, they're all still there. Sort of.

**Sort of?**

You see, there are these giant statues of them being tortured in fire, or something, that you find in this circular room. You can smash them to net a few bonus souls.

_You… It… They…_

If it's any consolation, you can't smash the statue of Saladin. Instead you make it sink into the floor by pulling a lever to reveal…

**Wasn't Saladin still alive and well in 1191?**

Well, yes, but since you don't actually see him, one could argue that the statue is just something being built in anticipation of his arrival.

_So, you're telling me that the only interaction this Dante is allowed to have with the great poets of the past is getting to smash their statues?_

Look, can we just forget about this and…

_But why? Why reduce their role to just that? Did they think it would be disrespectful to judge them? Could they not think of any dialogue to give them? Are the people at Visceral Games xenophobic and trying to get people to abandon all the great foreign authors?_

**No, they're all just idiots. Besides, I think there's some appropriate symbolism in this game's Dante destroying these legendary literary icons…**

CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON? Thank you. Francesca da Polenta (actually da Rimini at her time of death) was the daughter of Guido I da Polenta, the lord of Ravenna. The family had long been rivals of the Malatesta family; whose patriarch was Malatesta da Verucchio, lord of Rimini. However, in the 1280's, the families had negotiated a peace treaty, one of the conditions of which was that Francesca marry Giovanni "Gianciotto" Malatesta, Verucchio's brave but deformed son. To keep her from protesting, Francesca was told that she was really marrying Gianciotto's handsome brother Paolo. The truth wasn't revealed to her until the wedding day, at which point it was too late for her to protest. However, she and Paolo remained close, and in 1285 they eventually succumbed to their desires while Paolo was reading her the tale of Lancelot and Guinevere. Gianciotto discovered them in the act, however, and killed them both, dooming them to the 2nd Circle and himself to the 9th. Alright, this is our first real sinner, so I expect a lively debate.

**There's something odd about those dates…**

Er, that's not important. What is important is finally getting a real debate here!

_Very well. Since the marriage between Gianciotto and Francesca was forced, one can't accuse her of violating her love. Therefore…_

**Ah, but that's not the question at hand here, now is it?**

…_I beg your pardon?_

**If the only question at hand is whether it's sinful to violate a forced marriage, then the debate could very well go in your favor, but that isn't the question here.**

_Fine, I'll bite, what is the question then?_

**Whether it was love or lust that drove these two together. And in my opinion, the answer can only be the latter. You see, in her whole story, Francesca never once admits any kind of personal responsibility for their fornication. Oh sure, she admits it was wrong, but she blames Paolo for his licentiousness, the tale for its seductive qualities, her husband for his ugliness; she sees guilt in everything but herself. If this were true love, she would admit her part in it, regret the circumstances under which it rose, and be sorry about its results, but she would see no reason to deny her own culpability, and would continue to defend her love even in Hell. Since she does neither, the only conclusion that one can reach is that she really did only care for Paolo because of his looks and charm, not for any actual, justifiable reasons, and what's more, doesn't feel sorry for doing so; and while that might not be the worst crime one can commit, it most certainly isn't commendable and most certainly not redeemable.**

_That's… actually a very good point. I concede._

Very nice, but according to my contract, your reasoning must not display any sort of greater moral reasoning beyond that of common intellect. And by common I of course mean that of the people who will play and enjoy this game. Which is to say: not much.

**Damn. It.**

_That hardly seems fair._

True, but then again, I don't really care. Francesca gets redemption by default.

**Hey, wait a minute, why isn't she in the maelstrom like all the other…**

Moving on!


	10. Lust: Paolo Malatesta

Paolo Malatesta…

**Was the son of Malatesta da Verucchio, pretended to be Francesca da Polenta's fiancée so she wouldn't protest marrying his brother, and porked Francesca anyway, only to get stabbed by his brother; I think we remember the introduction to the shade we just talked about.**

_Each shade must be judged individually and with care, even if their crimes are indeed similar, so that…_

**Yeah, yeah. Okay, here's the summarized version: you start to make a point, I interrupt with a poignant analysis of the situation, you concede, the dickless guy in love with his contract tells me that my argument's too smart to be counted, and then sends Paolo to heaven anyway. There, can we move on now?**

_You have no appreciation for due process, you know that?_


	11. Lust: Semiramis

A legendary Assyrian queen usually placed in the 9th century BC. Her supposed accomplishments include the conquest of the Middle East, North Africa, and Ethiopia. The version in both the game and Dante's poem is that of Armenian legend: a harlot who changed the laws of her own kingdom to give herself permission to sleep with whoever she wanted and have orgies with her finest soldiers.

**I like a good orgy as much as the next demon, but somehow I don't think legalizing it makes it any less sinful.**

_Since she isn't a real person but rather a mythological representation of unbridled lust mixed with power, I'll let you have this one._

**Giving up already dish-head?**

_It's a halo._

**Halo, dinner plate; either way it looks ridiculous.**

All righty, let's damn the Assyrian and go on to the next soul before these two start reenacting The Fall!


	12. Lust: Marcus Antonius

Mark Antony lived in the 1st century BC, and was a famous Roman politician. He was also a close friend of Julius Caesar and one of his finest military minds. After Caesar's death, he joined forces with Caesar's favorite relative, Octavian (later Emperor Augustus) and Marcus Lepidus, Caesar's former right-hand man, to form the Second Triumvirate and overthrow the Senate's control of the Roman Empire. After the Triumvirate dissolved, Antony took control of the eastern Roman Empire, and married the infamous Queen Cleopatra. After a stunning defeat at the hands of Octavian at the battle of Actium in 30 BC, Antony decided to commit suicide rather than be captured. He is also credited for orchestrating the assassination of the famous politician and orator Marcus Cicero.

_Well, he did try to do what he could to help…_

**He was a lying, conniving, backstabbing prick who did everything he could to gain more power for himself. Also, during his brief time as Caesar's right hand, he wasted money on lavish parties and instated a severe martial rule in Rome that caused several riots that nearly left the city in a state of anarchy!**

_True, but he was also always loyal to Caesar and did his best to help expand…_

Um, you two can stop arguing now, Dante just stabbed him.

**Oh goody, another one of those cases where you can't control your decision. How exciting.**

_Well, maybe the next one will be better._


	13. Lust: Cleopatra VII Philopator

The last pharaoh of Egypt, Queen Cleopatra originally shared power with her two brothers, Ptolemy XII and Ptolemy XIII, both of whom she married. After Ptolemy XII died, Ptolemy XIII had her exiled circa 48 BC, but when he angered Caesar by assassinating Gnaeus Pompey (Caesar's friend and chief rival) without Caesar's permission, the 21-year-old Cleopatra saw her chance. She seduced the 52-year-old Caesar, had her brother killed, and got remarried to her younger and more malleable brother Ptolemy XIV (the Philopators weren't know for creativity when it came to names) in 47 BC. The same year she gave birth to Caesar's son Caesarion, who would become her new husband and official ruler after her last brother's mysterious death in 44 BC. After Caesar's death, she became Mark Antony's ally, lover, and eventual wife. However, when Antony's defeat became imminent, she faked her own suicide to encourage Antony to do himself in. After he did, she tried to seduce Octavian, failed, and committed actual suicide in 30 BC. In this version of the Inferno, she's a giant demon creature that controls the 2nd Circle. Oh, and she has baby-spewing mouths for nipples because, hey, why not?

_I'm sorry, but I have to ask why Cleopatra is in charge of the 2__nd__ Circle._

**You've actually got a good point for once. I mean, doesn't it sort of defeat the purpose of Hell if the really big sinners are given control of…**

Um, I hate to break it to you, but Dante just stabbed Cleopatra and re-damnified her.

**Oh, come on!**


	14. Gluttony: Cerberus

Cerberus was the three-headed dog that guarded Hades in ancient Greek mythology. Here he has been reassigned as the guardian of the 3rd Circle of Hell, which is reserved for the gluttons. It's also interesting to note that he looks less like a dog here and more like a rejected monster concept from Pan's Labyrinth. While idiotic, his design is still interesting, and is quite possibly the best in the game. Enjoy it folks, because it's all downhill from here. Anyway, let's get to the judging!

_How precisely are we to judge the morality of what is basically an animal? It's not like it has any free will to speak of…_

Yeah, uh, you might want to hurry this up, Dante's just cut off one of Cerberus' heads.

_But this is just preposterous! How are we supposed to…_

Second one's off.

_Well, what do you want us to do, discuss how gluttonous Cerberus is? Because if so…_

And now Dante's used his boom-cross to explode Cerberus' last head from the inside and is using his body as a bridge.

_So… does that mean that Cerberus was absolved, or…_

**Better question: does anyone care?**


	15. Gluttony: Ciacco

Ciacco was either an undocumented or nonexistent 13th century Florentine nobleman (Ciacco was commonly used as the name for a pig, and that was the noble's nickname in life because of his gluttonous nature) and is one of the characters that made the transition from the poem to the game. In the book he warns Dante that while the White Guelphs, Dante's political party, will win the current civil war in Florence and drive out their rivals, the Black Guelphs; within three years the Black Guelphs will assume control with the help of Pope Boniface VIII and will seek to mercilessly punish their old rivals, including Dante. In the game, he's just… well, there.

**How the heck are we supposed to judge a guy who may or may not have existed based on no evidence except his own testimony from the game?**

_Well, I suppose if he were a liar, he would be in the 8th Circle, right?_

**Wrong. I've looked ahead in the list, and trust me; some of these souls have been horribly misfiled.**

_Isn't that cheating?_

**Why good golly Beaver, you're right! Gee, I sure do hope you don't tell mom and pop about that, or they just might forbid me from joining Tooey, Chester, Lumpy and Eddie at the sock hop!**

Wait, who?

**I'm guessing you've never seen Leave It To Beaver.**

_Anyway, Ciacco may have been a self-proclaimed glutton who worshipped only his excess, but this was because he was afraid of becoming a miserable miser like the other Florentines. Besides, he sees the dangers of gluttony now that he's in Hell, even if he still can't understand why indulging yourself is so terrible, and I see no reason to not believe that he was beloved for his kindness, as he claims. Finally, from what I can gather of the game's version of redemption, here being redeemed shows the redeemed the error of their ways; an understanding which was all that stood in the way between Ciacco and heaven._

**Much as I'd like to refute that, I don't have the evidence to do so.**

Redemption by default then, I suppose.

**Well, at least we actually got to choose this time.**


	16. Gluttony: Clodia Metelli Pulchra Prima

Clodia Metelli (so nicknamed because her first husband was Quintus Caecilius Metellus Celer) was a member of the influential Claudius family in 1st century Rome, and the third daughter of the politician Appius Claudius Pulcher. She is not to be confused with her cousin, also named Clodia Pulchra, who was briefly married to Octavian. Official records on her are difficult to track due to the annoying Roman tradition of naming all your daughters after the family name. The only direct source of information we have on her is a highly inflammatory speech against her by Marcus Cicero, which obviously is anything but objective, particularly since her brother was Publius Clodius, one of Cicero's greatest rivals. According to the speech, Clodia had multiple affairs, was a notorious gambler and drinker, argued heavily with her first husband, and may have poisoned him. After Metellus' death, Clodia is rumored to have slept with many men, including the poet Gaius Valerius Catullus, Cicero's friend Marcus Caelius, and (ironically enough) Cicero himself. Cicero gave his speech in defense of his friend Caelius when he served as his lawyer after Clodia accused him of trying to poison her. Caelius was declared innocent, and Clodia disappeared once more from record.

_Assuming that Cicero was telling the truth, why is she among the gluttons?_

Well, she was a drinker, right?

_But what about…_

Look, they needed someone else to put in gluttony, okay?

_Then why not use an actual glutton, like the Roman emperor Aulus Vitellius Germanicus, or…_

**If we're going to discuss everything that the developers could have done to make the game better, we're going to be here an awful long time, Mickey.**

_It's Mike._

**Whatever you say Mickey. Anyway, as he pointed out, if we're to take Cicero's account as accurate, then this is obviously a case of improper placement, and she needs to be relocated to her proper circle ASAP. Although, given that Minos is dead now, I'm not sure how…**

_While you are technically correct, according to Clodia, she shared all her wealth with those less fortunate and also feels ashamed of what she did, so, actually, she deserves redemption._

**But there aren't any records whatsoever that even remotely suggest that…**

Redemption it is!


	17. Greed: Tarpeia

Tarpeia was a Vestal Virgin and the daughter of Spurius Tarpeius, the commander of the citadel of Rome in the 8th century BC, back when the republic was still young. At the time the state was at war with the Sabine tribe of Italy, which was fighting with the Romans because they had recently kidnapped several Sabine women in an attempt to match the number of men in the city to the number of women. The war had not been going well for the Romans, and the Sabine army was camped outside of the city. Tarpeia left the city walls (ostensibly to get water) and made contact with the Sabines. In exchange for "what they bore on their left arms" (i.e. their gold bracelets), she agreed to steal her father's keys and open the city's gates. After opening the gates, she rushed to the Sabines, expecting to be rewarded. Instead, they crushed her to death with the shields each one wore on his left arm and tossed her body off a cliff. Her legend lived on, and Tarpeia became a symbol of treachery to the Romans.

…**And she's not in the circle of treachery because…?**

Well, she was fairly greedy.

_Yes, but her lust for gold drove her to betray both her father and her home city. This is a clear-cut case of betrayal if I ever saw one._

Look, can you two just argue over her soul so we can get this over with?

**Fine. She betrayed everyone who had ever cared for her for money and never looked back. She deserves to be in Hell for this. Got any objections, Mikey?**

_Mike. And, sadly, no._

Damnation it is, then!

**Hopefully Minos will put her in the right circle this time. Oh wait, he can't. You killed him.**

Will you please stop griping? I get paid by the soul, not the hour.


	18. Greed: Gessius Florus

An ancient Roman politician, Florus served as the procurator of Judea from 64 to 66 BC. Infamous for his greed, corruption, and anti-Semitism, he was loathed by those he governed. Things began to come to a head when a Greek sacrificed several birds on the steps of a synagogue, rendering it ritually unclean. A group of Jews attempted to petition Florus for redress, but despite paying eight talents (a talent is basically a 71 lbs chunk of gold), Florus refused to hear their plea and had them all imprisoned. Soon after he removed seventeen talents from the Temple of Jerusalem. Upon hearing this news, several citizens in Jerusalem started mocking Florus by passing a basket around in the marketplace, claiming they were collecting money for him, since he clearly needed it. Outraged, Florus had his soldiers raid the city and arrest several city leaders. The leaders were flogged and crucified, despite several of them being Roman citizens. This triggered the Great Jewish Rebellion, which cost Florus his job. There are no records of what happened to him after this.

**Wait, another misfiled soul? Huh. I guess that, contrary to common belief, you really can bribe the judge of the dead. Who knew?**

Ha, ha. Now how about a debate?

**Why? Is the final result really in doubt? I mean, did Florus actually do a single good thing in his entire recorded life?**

Well…

_I truly hate to say it, but my leathery companion is correct. I have nothing to defend this man with._

…Fine.


	19. Greed: Fulvia Flacca Bambula

Fulvia was the wife of Mark Antony and was known as "The Greediest Woman in Rome." Often viewed as being highly influential, she supposedly helped Antony organize the assassination of Marcus Tullius Cicero.

**Violence, 7th Circle.**

…She, uh, was also reported to have stabbed Cicero's tounge with knitting needles while his head was on display in the Forum.

**Wrath, 5th Circle.**

Please stop interrupting me. Anyway, she is perhaps most famous for causing the Perusine War (41 to 40 BC) between Octavian and her brother-in-law Lucius Antonius in order to give her husband more power.

**Sedition, 8th Circle.**

Shut it!

**Just saying.**

Yes, well, as I was saying, the rebellion failed and Fulvia fled to Greece to meet with her husband Antony. Antony, angered by her unapproved actions against Octavian, disowned her, and she died in exile in the city of Sicyon, near Corinth.

**I think the verdict is self-evident.**

_True. But here's my question: why were these three in Greed? They clearly deserved lower circles. Greed is for people who ignore everything virtuous in favor of hoarding wealth, or buy valuable objects purely for the sake of owning them, or…_

**Make a videogame with gameplay ripped off from another, more popular game, and then capitalize on the game's objectionable content and raping of the source material to get publicity and make a quick buck?**

_Yes, ex-… Oh._

Can we please move on? I can already feel EA's lawyers closing in.


	20. Greed: Alighiero di Bellincione

While little is known of Dante's father, records indicate that he was a notary as well as a Florentine noble, and he was well connected enough to escape the persecution of his political party after the Battle of Montaperti in… I'm sorry; apparently somebody slipped an unapproved new page into my script. Alighiero was a despised country noble who spent his whole life whoring and partying, which corrupted the young Dante, turning him into the amoral wreck that's currently carving a bloody swath through Hell. Huh.

_This can't be right; according to the papers I've been given, Dante fights this man atop the overturned Wheel of Fate._

**No, those papers are accurate.**

_But…_

**Just go with it, there's no point in arguing against it.**

_All right, fine. While certainly no saint, Alighiero still wasn't as bad as most of the other souls here in Greed._

**But does that absolve him of his sins? He clearly doesn't feel sorry for what he's done, and his hedonistic lifestyle tainted his son's soul. Is this to go unpunished?**

Well, yes, apparently. Dante just absolved his father.

…**WHAT?**

Now let's just take a deep breath and…

**YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT CHARON AND MINOS, WHO WERE ONLY DOING THEIR JOB, GET KILLED WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT, BUT DANTE'S DOUCHEBAG OF A DAD GETS SAVED? I HATE THIS GAME! I HATE IT! HATE! HATE! HATE!**

…_I'd say he took that poorly._

Uh, I'd like to reassure my readers once again that both Mike and Malacoda are securely locked away in rooms that are completely impossible to escape from. I am in no real danger. Or at least, that's what I've been told.

_Hold on, wasn't one of the attributes of this circle in the original that none of the damned in it retained their identities?_

They changed it.

_But doesn't this game's Virgil tell Dante the exact same thing?_

Um…


	21. Wrath: Boudicca

Also known as "the Vengeful Queen of the Iceni," Boudicca first appears on record as the wife of King Prasutagus, ruler of the Iceni tribe of eastern England, which had joined the Romans as a nominally independent ally. After Prasutagus passed away, he left his kingdom jointly to his daughters and the Roman emperor (either Claudius or Nero, the dates are unclear). Unfortunately for the Iceni, the Romans didn't recognize female inheritance, and, by order of the Roman governor, the kingdom was annexed. Boudicca tried to protest this, and as punishment was flogged and then forced to watch as Roman soldiers raped her daughters. Shortly afterward, Roman financiers called in the massive debt Prasutagus had incurred during his reign, ruining Boudicca financially. Boudicca swore revenge, and got her opportunity to get it in either 60 or 61 AD. Taking advantage of the growing dislike of the recently appointed procurator Catus Decianus and the fact that Governor Gaius Suetonius Paulinus had most of the troops in Britain occupied with a campaign against druids on the island of Mona off the coast of North Wales, she led the Iceni in revolt against the British, aided by several neighboring tribes. They quickly took the city of Camulodunum (now Colchester), which had long incurred resentment in the surrounding area for various reasons. After destroying the city and soundly defeating the 9th Legion, led by future governor Quintus Petillius Cerialis, Boudicca began her advance on the town of Londinium (now London). Governor Paulinus had returned by this point and was awaiting her at the town, but on hearing of Cerialis' defeat, he decided to abandon the town and seek a more defendable area, prompting the mass exodus of most of the town's population, including Decianus. Boudicca, unopposed for the moment, proceeded to raze both Londinium and the nearby city of Verulamium (now St. Alba). While reports vary, all agree that Boudicca was absolutely ruthless in these conquests, slaughtering any and all Romans she found in a variety of colorful ways, usually on ground sacred to the Romans. She is estimated to have slaughtered between seventy and eighty thousand people. However, by this point Paulinus had managed to organize the 14th and 20th Legions, as well as several auxiliaries, and at the battle of Watling Street, Boudicca's army was slaughtered, along with the women, children, and pack animals that had been brought along on the campaign. Some records says that the Briton death toll was over eighty thousand, but most agree that this is an exaggeration. Boudicca met her death on the field, both Decianus and Paulinus were replaced, and Nero briefly entertained the idea of abandoning Britain to its own devices.

_Wasn't that description a bit long?_

Yeah, but who outside of British historians has ever heard of this woman? I mean, do you think I wanted to say all that? I can barely pronounce Spanish names, never mind Roman ones!

**Who cares? I'm just glad we've finally gotten someone controversial!**

_Oh, I see you recovered from your psychotic episode. Lovely._

**Yes, but I'm saddened to see that you're still suffering from notions of divinity.**

_I'm an angel!_

**Of course you are. Anyway, even if she had every right to rebel against the Romans, Boudicca still had no right to kill countless innocent civilians for a crime most of them had nothing to do with.**

_On the other hand, we have to look at it in its own time. The slaughter of civilians was a common practice…_

**But that doesn't excuse it. Boudicca's cause was just, which is why she isn't in the circle of violence. However, she still revenged herself beyond an acceptable measure, and, what's worse, felt no guilt over it. We can argue this up and down, but if we excuse these actions purely because there was a noble cause behind them, then how can we condemn those who do the same deeds for an evil cause without charges of hypocrisy? And yes, they were different times, but some things remain constant, and if we excuse Boudicca for that reason, then we shall also have to excuse the Aztecs and Maximilien Robespierre, since they were operating the way times seemed to dictate as well. Also, even Boudicca's contemporaries considered her methods of execution to be horrific.**

_As much as I dislike it, you have a point._

**Ha! Victory, thy name is Malacoda!**


	22. Wrath: Hecuba

Hecuba was the wife of King Priam of Troy. She looked on in horror as, one by one, the infamous Trojan War claimed all of her sons; and after the Greeks' victory, she and her daughters were turned into slaves. After discovering that her son Polydorus, who she had been able to send away under the care of King Polymestor of Thrace, had been betrayed and murdered by his caretaker, she swore revenge. She lured Polymestor and his sons into the tent in which she and the other Trojan women were kept, where they killed his sons and blinded him. After this the stories vary. Some say she became a slave to the Acheans, others say she was turned into a dog by the gods to allow her to escape, and some argue that she was driven mad with grief and just started barking like a dog.

**Clearly blinding a man is a very angry thing to do, and killing his innocent sons in cold blood…**

_True, but her mind was addled by grief at the time, and Polymestor had done her a great injustice; one that his sons were probably aware of. Besides, what right do you, the man who is literally tearing apart Hell to retrieve the soul of your dead wife, have to say that another person went too far in avenging his or her family?_

…**Point.**


	23. Wrath: Filippo Argenti

A 13th century member of the Cavicciuoli branch of the noble Adimari family and a prominent Florentine politician, Filippo was also an infamous hothead who was most famous for the fact that he had shoed his horses with silver. He was an old rival of Dante's, his family having been fighting with the Alighieris for generations. He once publicly slapped Dante in the face, and his brother stole Dante's possessions during his exile.

_Wait, I thought that the game's Dante was a Florentine mercenary and the son of a minor rural noble._

Well, yes.

_Then how does the original's banishment figure into this one's life? Obviously he wasn't banished before the crusade, or else how could he have joined it? Also, why should a rural-based mercenary have any sort of conflict with the city-dwelling…_

**Do you honestly expect an answer to any of those questions?**

…_No._

**Well, then. Anyway, clearly Filippo is a very angry individual and deserves the punishment he should be getting, were he not just sitting on a road muttering to himself instead of being subjected to the circle's tortures, just like all the other big-name souls you've encountered.**

_Yes, but he actually expresses regret for his temper, and wishes he had the chance to undo his poorly spent life. Besides, what greater sign of moral greatness is there than to forgive one's greatest enemy?_

**Okay.**

What, that's it? No big eloquent speech?

**Filippo expressed regret. Regret for one's sins is one of the few things I, and indeed all demons, are powerless against.**

Really? Interesting…

**It has to be honest regret.**

Oh. Damn.


	24. Wrath: Phlegyas

A figure from Greek mythology, Phlegyas was the king of the Lapiths, who lived in what is now the Greek province of Thessaly, and the father of Coronis, one of Apollo's lovers. After Apollo discovered Coronis had fallen in love with the mortal Ischys, the vengeful god convinced his twin sister Artemis to kill Coronis. Enraged, Phlegyas decided to get his revenge on Apollo by setting fire to his temple in Delphi, for which Apollo killed him. Phlegyas now ferries the souls of those damned to the 6th to 9th Circles over the river Styx to the city of Dis, wherein lie the circles. Also, in the game he's a gigantic creature several stories high and across, is made entirely of molten rock, and carries his passengers around on his head. At this point, are you really surprised?

_Well, I'd say that…_

**Don't bother.**

_Excuse me?_

**Don't bother. We all know how this will end.**

_I'm not sure I'm following your logic. Why should we just give up on…_

Dante's just jumped on Phlegyas' head and has rammed his scythe's blade into Phlegyas' brain. Somehow this has given Dante complete control over him, allowing him to smash apart the gates of Dis.

_Oh. Well, that's still no guarantee that…_

And now Dante's made Phlegyas fall into an endless pit in order to reach the next circle.

**Did I call that or what?**

_I'm sad to say that yes, you did._


	25. Heresy: Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II

Emperor Frederick…

**Wait, Emperor Fredrick II? The 13th century leader of Germany?**

Yes, if you had just let me give my introduction to the soul, I would've…

**Isn't this game set in 1191? You know, three years before Frederick was even born!**

Well, technically…

_For that matter, several of these people haven't been born, never mind died, in 1191._

Yes, but they appeared in the original, so, as an homage…

**Oh, like this game actually cares about the original!**

_Why not just set the game in 1300, like the book? It eliminates all the problems with chronology, and you could just turn Dante into a mercenary in the Guelph-Ghibelline conflict of that time! In fact, the real Dante served in the cavalry at the Battle of Campaldino in 1289, so this would have been an acceptable revision!_

Yes, but the Third Crusade is much more famous than the Guelph-Ghibelline conflict, and making Dante a disillusioned crusader sends a very powerful statement.

**What, that fanaticism and genocide are bad? I think we've figured that out already! Also, isn't it hypocritical to argue against using violence to solve theological debates while making a game where you get to kill the devil? More importantly, that still doesn't address the paradox created by finding an unborn emperor in Hell!**

Well, maybe Calvin was right, and all our souls have already been judged.

_Then why not go full throttle and put in Hitler and Stalin?_

Look, can we please just get back to Frederick?

**It just doesn't make any sense, is all I'm saying!**

Granted. Anyway, Emperor Frederick II of the Holy Roman Empire only gained the throne after much back and forth between him and his uncle, Otto von Braunschweig. Although the title of king of the Germans was given to Frederick in 1212 after Otto's excommunication, he had little power, as Otto controlled the military. However, Otto's defeat at the hands of the French at the Battle of Bouvines in 1214 crippled Otto, and forced him into a self-imposed exile that he never left. It's worth noting that the Battle of Bouvines was fought over the issue of whether England or France would control Normandy and Brittany; Otto was only involved due to a series of alliances arranged by Pope Innocent III, who had once been a friend of Otto's, but had had a falling-out with him. This is worth noting mainly to show how complex and confusing the politics of the time were. At any rate, with the aid of Innocent, Frederick was crowned king of the Germans in 1215, and was crowned Holy Roman Emperor in 1220 by his former tutor Cencio Savelli, now Pope Honorius III (Innocent died in 1216). His eldest son, Henry, took the title of King of the Romans, which didn't mean anything. Frederick spent little time in Germany, preferring his native Italy, and ruled through his second oldest son, Conrad. Instead, he spent his time improving Sicily, which he had inherited from his mother. He promoted the art of science, created the Liber Augustalis (which served as the basis for Sicilian law until 1819), forbade trial by ordeal, refused to allow physicians to act as their own pharmacists, founded the University of Naples, and allowed the Sicilian Saracens to live in peace, even allowing them to build mosques and serve in the army. Little of this endeared Frederick to the rest of the Christian world, and his reputation was not helped by the rumor that he was an Epicurean (i.e. he believed the soul was mortal) and the fact that he regularly mocked the sacraments, as well as Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad. However, he had promised Honorius during his coronation that he'd one day go on crusade, and thus was duty bound to do so. Frederick got his chance when the Fifth Crusade began in 1217. To Honorius' dismay, Frederick only sent a small force under Duke Ludwig of Bavaria. The crusade failed miserably, and Frederick was blamed. However, a crusade with him as its head was ensured when he married Yolande of Jerusalem, the heiress of the Christian Kingdom of Jerusalem, in 1225, as he'd have to retake Jerusalem to claim the kingdom. A bout of illness delayed the trip, however, and an impatient Pope Gregory IX had him excommunicated in 1227 (Honorius had died earlier that year). Undaunted, Frederick launched the Sixth Crusade in 1228. Gregory, furious he'd done so without papal consent, excommunicated him a second time. Doubly excommunicated, Frederick's forces soon dwindled, and the emperor realized he could no longer take Jerusalem by sheer force. Instead he began negotiations with Sultan Al-Kamil, the ruler of the Ayyubid Empire (which included Jerusalem), who instantly took a liking to Frederick and, after several months of negotiation, gave him the Kingdom of Jerusalem, mainly due to being preoccupied by the Ayyubid Empire's ongoing war with Syria and Mesopotamia. Frederick was crowned the King of Jerusalem in 1229 (even though Yolande had died by this point, and the actual heir was Frederick's son Conrad). Although the crusade had been the first successful one since 1099, Gregory was irate that Frederick had completed it without his approval, and, despite the removal of Frederick's excommunications in 1230, tensions remained. After Frederick scored a major victory over the rebellious Lombard League of Northern Italy, who had long been allies of the pope and were trying to replace Frederick with his rebellious son Henry, in 1237, Gregory once more excommunicated him. Frederick responded by expelling the Minorites and Preachers from Lombardy and annexing several parts of the Papal States, unofficially declaring war on the pope. Soon all of Italy was embroiled in war, as the Guelph nobles of Italy, who had been allied to Otto von Braunschweig, joined the pope's army; which incited their rivals, the Ghibellines (don't ask why they were rivals, it's a long story that all of them had forgotten by then), to ally with Frederick. Despite some early successes and the death of Gregory in 1243, Frederick proved to be no match for the newly elected Pope Innocent IV, whose masterful tactics, deft diplomacy, and conniving personality proved to be too great for him. Having lost two sons to the war and the Kingdom of Jerusalem to the Muslims (who had taken advantage of the confusion to retake the kingdom in 1244), Frederick died surprisingly peacefully in 1250 of dysentery, ending the war in his will and declaring Conrad, his eldest legitimate heir, king of Germany and Sicily, leaving Jerusalem to the rebellious Henry. Conrad's death four years later marked the end of the Hohenstaufen dynasty. Oh, and according to the game, Frederick also killed the papal messenger who delivered his third excommunication and turned Sicily into a haven for heretical thinkers. He is in the circle of heretics for declaring war on the pope.

**Dear God, that was long! And also, that isn't the reason Frederick's in Hell.**

Um, yes it is.

_No, he's in Hell for the whole Epicurean thing._

No, according to the game it was because he declared war on the pope.

_That's not heretical, that's just politics!_

**You're right, for once.**

_I'm an agent of God; I'm always…_

**Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before. Anyway, if that's the only reason Frederick's in Hell, then there's no real reason to keep him there. The war was political, not ideological.**

You mean that after that whole big introduction I don't even get a decent debate?

**Them's the breaks, kid.**

…They don't pay me nearly enough.


	26. Heresy: Cavalcante de' Cavalcanti

A 13th century Florentine aristocrat, philosopher, and merchant, Cavalcante was the father of Guido Cavalcanti, a prominent poet most famous for his ballad Donna me prega, as well as a good friend of Da-… I mean, a person who had no relationship to Dante whatsoever. Cavalcante is in Hell for atheism. Oh, and for defending his son's atheist beliefs, apparently.

**Wonderful, another time traveler. Anyway, atheism is clearly heretical, so Cavalcante deserves to be in Hell, even if defending one's own son isn't sinful.**

_True, however, if we consider this redemption of souls as an act of showing them the error of their ways, then, since Cavalcante's crimes were committed out of loss of faith, not malice, we have a moral imperative to show him that God really is good and kind and etc._

**You just made that up!**

_No, I interpreted._

**Hmph. Well, I guess if you view it that way, I can't argue against that, even if your view is suspect.**

_Thank you, that was surprisingly gracious._

**Don't get too smug there, halo-head, I'm just getting ready for a real sinner to come along.**


	27. Heresy: Farinata degli Uberti

The leader of the Florentine Ghibellines, Farinata was banished from Florence following Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II's death in 1250, and forced to take refuge in the Ghibelline stronghold of Siena. Farinata then allied himself with Frederick's illegitimate son Manfred of Sicily, who was seeking allies to aid him in his fight against his half-nephew Conradin over the Sicilian throne. Despite inadequate assistance from the Sienese and their Neapolitan allies, Farinata managed to use his new patron's supplies and troops to win the Battle of Montaperti in 1260, retaking Florence. As tradition dictated, he banished all the leading Guelph families and restructured the government to ensure Ghibelline dominance. His allies, worried about a resurgent Guelph army retaking the city, argued they should raze all of Florence. Only Farinata opposed this, claiming he was a Florentine first and a Ghibelline second; and that he'd defend his city with his sword if need be. His allies, unwilling to fight him over this, instead decided to just raze the homes of several leading Guelphs and a good part of the city's defenses, ultimately destroying about 103 palaces, 580 homes, and 85 towers. The Guelphs retook the city two years after Farinata's death in 1264 with the help of Pope Urban IV (Innocent IV had died in 1254), and promptly destroyed every building belonging to the Uberti family, creating the modern-day Piazza della Signoria where the buildings had once stood. The Guelphs' edict that no building should ever be built on the land explains why the Palazzo Vecchio is squeezed to the side of the Piazza instead of standing in its center, as per tradition. A Franciscan-led inquisition into Farinata following his death concluded that he had been an Epicurean, so he and his wife's bodies were exhumed and burned in 1283. He is in Hell for that Epicureanism.

_Well, my argument for Farinata to be saved is basically the same as that for Cavalcante, only now there's the added reason that he was willing to put morality over politics when no one else was willing to._

**Fine. I just want to get away from these people. I keep feeling like the universe is about to unravel!**


	28. Violence: Attila the Hun

Attila became the co-king of the nomadic Huns following the death of his uncle Rugila in 434 AD, sharing the kingship with his brother Belda. Shortly afterward they negotiated a peace treaty with the East Roman Empire (ERE), snagging a yearly tribute of 350 lbs of gold, open trade, and the release of all prisoners on both sides in the war started by their ancestors. The brothers withdrew the army back to the Huns' adopted homeland of Hungary, where they decided to live in relative security and consolidate their strength should the unthinkable happen and another conflict emerge. Beyond that, however, they lived completely peacefully. Well, except for their short-lived invasion of the Sassanid Empire. However, in 440, Attila suddenly discovered that the bishop of Margus (now Požarevac) had stolen some unspecified possessions of his. He and his brother were left with no choice but to cross the Danube and lay waste to the cities of the Illyricum and Moesia provinces, including the prosperous city of Viminacium (now Stari Kostolac). After the bishop discovered that the Romans were considering giving him up to Attila so that the Huns would leave them alone, he turned traitor and helped Attila and Belda storm Margus. Strangely enough, this did not appease Attila, and, taking advantage of the fact that the East Roman army was busy helping their western brethren fight the Vandals in North Africa, he took Singidunum (Belgrade) and Sirmium (Sremska Mitrovica). Afterward there was a brief lull; as Attila and Belda, content for the moment, demanded once more that they receive their tribute. However, the East Roman Emperor Theodosius II had managed to recall part of his army, and felt strong enough in his position to deny their request. Enraged, the Huns resumed their campaign in 443, taking Naissus (Niš), Serdica (Sofia), and Philippopolis (Plodiv), among others. After reaching Constantinople (Istanbul) and soundly beating the two armies stationed outside of it, a desperate Theodosius offered to raise the annual tribute to 2,100 lbs of gold, as well as an extra bonus that year of 6,000 lbs for his violation of the treaty. The Huns accepted, and withdrew to their old empire. Shortly afterward, Belda died in an unusual hunting accident and Attila became the sole ruler of the Huns. To celebrate this, Attila once again invaded the ERE in 447, reaching as far as Thermopylae. He failed to take Constantinople, however, due mainly to the tactical genius of the magister militum Zeno and the prefect Flavius Constantinus. Bored with the ERE, Attila decided to try something new and invaded the Visigoth kingdom of Toulouse in 450 with the aid of the West Roman Emperor Valentinian III. Later that same year, however, Attila received an envelope from Valentinian's sister Honoria containing a letter begging him to save her from being forced to marry an ugly old senator, and her engagement ring. Attila decided this meant they were married, claimed ownership over the West Roman Empire (WRE) as his dowry, and began a campaign to claim it. Although much of the campaign has been lost to time, it is known that he sacked Metz and killed Saint Nicasius of Rheims (then just Bishop Nicasius) in front of his own altar. WRE forces, led by Attila's former pupil Flavius Aëtius and aided by the Visigoth king Theodoric I, marched out to check Attila's advance, and the armies met at the Battle of Châlons in 451. Theodoric died, but Attila's army was forced to retreat. Aëtius decided not to pursue them, fearing that an unchecked Visigoth horde would be as bad as the Huns. The battle was regarded as a great success and Aëtius was declared a war hero, which did nothing to protect him when Valentinian had him assassinated in 454. Perhaps Aëtius should have pursued the Huns, as Attila returned in 452, his army almost miraculously restored, still claiming his dowry. Since the WRE and the Visigoths had yet to reconstitute their forces, they were powerless to check his advance. As Attila cut a bloody swath through Italy, the refugees that fled before him created the city of Venice, and the town of Udine was formed around the castle he built on a hill just to get a better view of the annihilation of the city of Aquileia. However, the recent poor harvest in Italy left the Huns few supplies to plunder, and they were forced to halt their advance at the River Po. Desperate, Valentinian sent a group of envoys led by Pope Leo I to get Attila to leave. Surprisingly, he agreed to do so. Many attributed this to Leo's divine power, but the lack of supplies for the Hun army and impending arrival of reinforcements from the ERE for their beleaguered brothers may also have had something to do with Attila's decision. In 453, while planning a new campaign against Constantinople (which had stopped paying tribute in 450 due to lack of supplies), Attila died in a drunken stupor by chocking on the blood caused by a nosebleed. Despite his warlike attitude, Attila was often described as being a very humble and simple man, as well as an effective administrator.

**You just love hearing yourself talk, don't you?**

It's my job to explain who these people are! Sure, everyone's _heard_ of Attila, but who…

**Well, would you hurry it up next time? I've got better things to do than listen to you prattle on, you know.**

_Returning to Attila, despite his aggressive tendencies, his better qualities…_

**He was a sociopathic conqueror who mercilessly punished his enemies, took lands he had no real right to, and probably killed his own brother.**

…_Fine._


	29. Violence: Pietro della Vigna

Frederick II's most trusted advisor and diplomat, Pietro thought he had it made. However, when Pope Innocent IV organized the First Council of Lyons in 1245, Pietro sent the jurist Taddeo da Suessa in his place. When Taddeo failed to prevent the Council from condemning Frederick, the emperor, at this point highly stressed due to the deteriorating situation in Italy, had Pietro arrested on charges of speculation and embezzlement, and convicted him without a trial. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, according to the game he was arrested after being implicated by his political rivals in a plot to poison Frederick through the court physician. In either case, as punishment, Pietro was sentenced to life imprisonment and was blinded. Unable to bear the agony, he killed himself by dashing his head against the cell's wall. He's in Hell for committing suicide.

**Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. Also, why isn't he a tree like the rest of the suicides?**

That's not important.

**But it's the whole point of the… Ugh, never mind. Peter clearly committed suicide, so I don't really see what there is to discuss here.**

_Well, the circumstances are also important. Pietro killed himself because the man he had dedicated his life to had betrayed him and robbed him of all his hope._

**Which is no excuse. The two greatest trials God can give a person are to give him or her unlimited power, or rob him or her of all hope. It is at these moments that the truly devout show their true colors. Pete instead succumbed to fear and despair, and destroyed the greatest thing God ever gave him: his life.**

_But he only did so because of the highly unique circumstances._

**So? I'll freely admit that Petey's story is wonderfully tragic, but that's no excuse for his behavior. Some of us have it easier than others, its true. But you still need to have the courage to see the best in even the worst of situations. To do otherwise is to rob yourself of any potential for greatness, as well as bring nothing but woe to those close to you. And that, Mikey, is sinful.**

_Mike. But, as much as I hate to admit it, your reasoning is sound._


	30. Violence: Bella degli Abati

Not much is known about Dante's mother. She is commonly identified as a member of the rich Abati family whose marriage to Dante's father may or may not have been a political one. The lack of any significant data suggests that she, like her husband, was not heavily involved in the politics of… Sorry, another wrong page got slipped into my script. Bella was the long-suffering wife of the insidious Alighiero, who finally committed suicide when Dante was a child to escape the torment her marriage had become, leaving Dante to be raised and corrupted by his evil father.

**Well, this is an easy one. It's basically the same case as Pete's, only she also abandoned her son to the forces of evil.**

_I'm sad to say I have to agree. Committing suicide and thereby ruining your son's life is a pretty awful thing to do._

Well, Dante disagrees with you, I'm afraid. He just redeemed her.

…**What?**

Oh, I was just waiting for you to explode and act childishly.

**Are you really mocking a demon?**

…Yes?

**Well then, I look forward to seeing you get your Darwin Award.**

Aren't you supposed to be defending humanity from these kinds of demonic whisperings, Mike?

_Only if they're falsehoods._

…Oh.


	31. Violence: Brunetto Latini

A prominent Italian philosopher, scholar, and statesman, Brunetto was most famous for his poems Teroretto and Li Livres dou Trésor. He was Dante's favorite mentor, but still got sent to Hell for being gay, an affront against nature. Oh, wait, sorry, wrong page again. Apparently, Brunetto is in Hell because, after people started discovering he was gay, he went on a murder spree, killing the influential Guisseppe Vecchio and the entire Venticelli family (none of whom actually existed). The game still has him as Dante's mentor, though, which may explain why both he and his student ended up in Hell.

_This Brunetto is nothing like the original!_

True, but that's not my problem.

_But how can I defend the souls if all their positive aspects are ignored, to be replaced by sins they didn't actually commit?_

**Hey, how about you just calm down, Minnie, and let me take this one.**

_It's Mikey! I mean, Mike!_

**Ha! Totally worth it.**

_I despise you._

**Blah, blah, blah. I'll respect you once you finally stop preaching and actually take a proactive approach to stopping me.**

_Fool, evil will always be vanquished by good in a fair fight!_

**You just keep telling yourself that, Glass Joe.**

_Deceitful malcontent! Were it not for the fact that you are bound and therefore harmless, I would show you the true power of divinity!_

I'd like to once again reassure my readers that there is absolutely no chance that either of our judges will escape their rooms and…

**You're just setting yourself up, you know.**

Excuse me?

**Oh, nothing…**


	32. Violence: Guido Guerra

Guerra was a well respected 13th century Florentine Guelph and Captain General of the Holy See from 1248 to 1272, the year of his death. He was most famous for his valor fighting the Ghibellines at the Battle of Benevento in 1266, for which he was made Mayor of Lucca, Angevin Vicar of Tuscany, and Captain General of the Tuscan Guelphs. He was also well known for his noble and moralistic nature, even if his homosexuality condemned him. He is representative of the ideal Florentine politician who… Ugh, yet another wrong page! Guerra was a harsh, brutal man, who ordered that injured enemies soldiers be summarily executed, buried his prisoners alive, and who only was gay to satiate his unquenchable lust while on campaign.

_Once more, I am given nothing to work with._

**Once more, I'll take what I can get!**

_However, I feel I must ask, why rewrite the history of these people to give them additional crimes?_

**Oh, that's an easy one. EA and Visceral Games did it because putting people in Hell just because they're gay would be controversial.**

_And killing unbaptised infants with a giant scythe isn't?_

**Well, let me rephrase my statement. Putting people in Hell just because they're gay would be controversial in a manner that wouldn't provide free publicity.**

_Ah._

Oh man, we are so going to be sued when EA gets wind of all this…


	33. Violence: Francesco Portinari

While the real Beatrice had no brothers named Francesco that we know of, Dante did have a younger brother named Francesco, of whom almost nothing is kn-… Who on Earth put in all these new pages? Jeez. Anyway, Francesco was a good friend of Dante and was also Beatrice's brother. She made Dante swear he'd take care of him, but things turned out differently. After Dante snapped and orchestrated the massacre of the captured Muslim garrison at Acre, Francesco took the blame, hoping to keep his sister happy by saving her betrothed. He and his fellow crusaders now reside in the Third Ring of the Seventh Circle, wherein are kept all those who were violent against God.

_Why on Earth are they there? Their crimes were ones of violence against others, not against God!_

**Well they killed people in his name. That besmirches it somewhat. That's sort of like blasphemy.**

_No it isn't! And even if we moved the crusaders to the ring for violence against others, Francesco still wouldn't be among them, since he took no delight in killing the Muslims and only fought because he had been tricked into thinking it was a moral imperative!_

Well I'm glad you think so, because Dante just redeemed him!

**You know, that's really starting to get under my skin!**


	34. Fraud: Thaïs the Harlot

Thaïs was a hetaera (three guesses what they did) in ancient Greece. While the original's Thaïs was a character in the comedy The Eunuch by Publius Terentius Afer (a.k.a. Terence), the game's Thaïs is closer in character to the historical figure: a high-class courtesan who accompanied Alexander the Great and, according to some sources, convinced him to burn down the palace of Persepolis in honor of Dionysus. According to these sources, she was the first, following Alexander, to throw her torch into the building, and led the musicians who played to entertain the spectators. Both the original's and the game's Thaïs are in Hell because they gave false praise and manipulated their clients' love to their own ends, both of which are forms of falsifying.

_The sad truth is that, particularly in ancient times, the only way for a woman to advance socially was through false compliments and manipulation. This should be pitied, not punished._

**Your imagined necessity does not excuse the sin. Lying is lying, particularly when the liar doesn't feel any guilt about what he or she did. The manipulation of affection is a terrible thing, and must be punished. Thaïs played with the very souls of others, and she should have to pay the price for that.**

_I suppose you have a point. Oh, before we move on, can I ask you something, narrator?_

Is it yet another protest against the sacrilegious nature of this game disguised as an innocent question?

_No, actually it's a question about the game's structure._

Sure, let's get it over with.

_According to the notes your producers gave me, the 8__th__ Circle of the game is divided into ten arena battles, one for each of the pockets of the original's circle._

So?

_Isn't that a waste of potential?_

**Much as I hate to, I have to agree with Ned Flanders here on this one. The original 8****th**** Circle had some of the most violent and interesting punishments in the whole poem! Arena battles? Lame!**

I imagine that the developers had started to run out of ideas by the time they reached the 8th Circle, and were just trying get the game finished. Is there anything else?

**Yes. Do I get a cameo?**

Let me check… yes, you're one of the mini-bosses.

**Well, at least there's one good thing in this game.**


	35. Fraud: Tiresias

While there are many origin stories for the famous seer, the one adopted by the game is the meandering tale that begins on Mount Cyllene, where a young Tiresias accidently hit two snakes in the middle of reproduction with his stick. This angered Hera, so she turned Tiresias into a woman. As a woman, Tiresias became a priestess of Hera, married, and had two children: Manto and Bio. Manto would later become a great seer as well. Tiresias became a man again when, seven years later, she encountered another pair of copulating snakes and was smart enough to leave them alone, which reversed his condition. A few years later, Hera and Zeus got into an argument over who got more pleasure from sex: men or women, respectively. They decided to ask Tiresias to settle the debate, as he was the only person who had been both. Tiresias, forgetting that Rule #1 of Greek mythology is never get involved in an argument between gods, supported Zeus, saying that women enjoy sex the most. An enraged Hera blinded him, but Zeus gave him the gift of divination as recompense. After that Tiresias moved to Thebes and became a plot device for several other famous myths, most notably that of Oedipus. While his predictions were almost always a bit cryptic, they were never inaccurate. He died of illness after drinking tainted water from the spring Tilphussa. His shade would later provide Odysseus with vital information on how to get back to Ithaca.

…_Why is he in Hell?_

Well, he was a fortuneteller.

_Yes. An authentic one._

Ah, but according to Christian doctrine, all divination is fraudulent.

_So, he was a fraud?_

No, his predictions were all accurate.

_But you just said…_

**And here I thought I was the expert torturer! At any rate, if it'll shut you two up, I'll just concede this one.**


	36. Fraud: Myrrha

Myrrha is a figure of Greek mythology who was the daughter of either King Theias of Assyria or King Cinyras of Cyprus. In either case, she fell in love with her father. With the help of her servant, she started to disguise herself as a concubine, and, under the cover of night, had incest with her father. But one night Myrrha stayed with him for too long, and in the light of day, the father recognized his daughter. Enraged, he tried to kill her, but she ran and was turned into a myrrh tree by a god who was either feeling compassionate or bored. She then gave birth to Adonis from her trunk. Adonis, in case you were wondering, was a youth so beautiful he made Aphrodite fall in love with him. Then a boar killed him and his blood was turned into anemones by Aphrodite for no apparent reason.

_Myrrha only did what she did because…_

**She had incest with her father by disguising herself as a high-class whore. I'd say the case is fairly cut and dry.**

_But she only did so because Aphrodite filled her with uncontrollable lust._

**Well, since there's only one God, and he most certainly wouldn't do something like that, the lust must have come from within. Of course, that begs the question of why he turned her into a tree…**

_Come to think of it, what exactly is the status of the Ancient Greek pantheon's validity in all this?_

I actually don't think even the original Dante had a clear answer to that.

**Huh. Well, whatever the case, Myrrha used deception without feeling any guilt, so she deserves to be in Hell. Case closed.**


	37. Treachery: Beatrice Portinari

The daughter of the rich banker Folco Portinari, there is little record of Beatrice in history save for what Dante wrote about her. Although Beatrice was married to a rich banker named Simone dei Bardi and Dante was married to a woman named Gemma Donati, Dante held an extremely high opinion of her, and used the courtly love that he felt for her as an aid in his poetry. Even after her tragic death in 1290 at the young age of 24, Dante continued to use Beatrice as his muse, and… Okay, who's the smartass who keeps putting new pages in my script?

…_Well, I thought it would be interesting for the readers to know the true story!_

I don't care! You're going to make me lose my bonus, and… How exactly did you manage to put new pages in my script, anyway?

_With the power of God, all…_

**Oh, don't get him started on the power of God. We'll be stuck here all week!**

_Just because you raised arms against him doesn't give you the right to…_

Would you two please let me finish? Thank you. The game's Beatrice was Dante's sweetheart and fiancée. They had premarital sex before his departure for the Third Crusade, but on the condition that he remain loyal. Shortly after a mysterious assassin (more on him later) killed both her and Dante's father at Dante's villa, Satan suddenly appeared and spoke to her shade. He revealed that while she was going to Heaven, Dante was going to go to Hell for the sins he had committed during the crusade. She begged him to spare her beloved's soul, so Satan offered her a wager. If Dante had remained loyal to her, his soul would be purified. However, if he hadn't been loyal, then Beatrice would become the Devil's bride. She took the bet, and of course lost it. Now she's the queen of Hell.

_So, her soul was corrupted after she had died, and not through any actual sins?_

Um… yes.

_But that's directly contrary to one of the main messages of the original Dante's Divine Comedy! He argued that, for the punishment/reward system of the afterlife to make any sense, humans have to make their own decisions, free from direct intervention from either the divine or the infernal! Otherwise, you can't hold the people accountable for their actions, since they were influenced by powers beyond their comprehension! And you most certainly can't use your own innocent soul as a bartering chip, since that would violate the entire system!_

**They haven't exactly been very faithful to the source material so far, you know.**

_But this is one of its core concepts! It's a philosophy that helped shape western civilization into…_

You can stop talking now; Beatrice just got redeemed.

…_Oh._

**I know I'm going to regret asking this, but how did she get redeemed?**

Well, after Dante realized that he'd kind of been a horrible person and offered to remain in Hell in her place, she saw that he still had the cross she gave to him before he left for the crusades. This somehow purified her, and an angel came down and took her up to heaven.

**Well, I can't say I'm surprised that I was substantiated, but I can't say I'm happy about it either.**


	38. Treachery: Fra Alberigo

A 13th century Faenzan member of the Jovial Friars from an upper class background, there are very few records on Alberigo's life. The episode that landed him in Hell began with an argument between him and his cousin over an unrecorded matter. Vengeful, Alberigo plotted how to dispose of his unwanted relative. Inspiration struck him, and, under the guise of reconciliation, he invited his cousin and his cousin's son to dinner. As soon as the food was served, however, Alberigo's servants killed the pair. For this betrayal of both family and hospitality, Alberigo was sent down all the way to the 9th Circle.

**Well, he doesn't seem sorry about the incident, and there really isn't anything positive about him on historical record, so I'd say this is a pretty easy soul to judge.**

_But the game's Alberigo claims that he spent the rest of his life doing penance._

**We're in the realm of liars. He's probably not telling the truth. Besides, in the original, didn't Alberigo's soul immediately get sent down to Hell while a demon took over his body?**

_That is true in the epic poem, but not in the game. However, your first point remains valid, so I'll concede._

**Hope you enjoy doing that, because we're in treachery now! The worst of the worst! Nobody is getting out of here!**

_Perhaps._

…**You're no fun anymore.**


	39. Treachery: Mordred

While there are many versions of Mordred's infamous tale, one of the most popular is that he was the illegitimate son of King Arthur with his half-sister, Morgan le Fay. After he discovered who his father was, Mordred began to plot the downfall of Arthur, intending to use the tenuous claim he had on the throne to claim both the kingdom and the beautiful Queen Guinevere. Mordred saw his opportunity to realize this scheme when Arthur left him in charge of the kingdom while he was away on mainland Europe fighting the Roman Emperor Lucius. He spread a rumor that Arthur was dead, and then claimed the kingdom as his own, only not marrying Guinevere because she fled as soon as she realized what he was planning. Arthur caught wind of this and immediately returned home to stop Mordred. In the Battle of Camlann that followed, father and son faced each other in single combat, and neither survived.

**Mordred is basically an archetypal villain. His whole point of existence is to represent treachery. Therefore, he obviously belongs in Hell.**

…_I'm starting to see what you meant when you said the next few arguments would be remarkably one-sided._

**Don't hate the player, hate the game! And let me tell you, I really hate the game.**

But you're winning the debates…

**Not this game, moron! The videogame! It's a play on words!**

…I don't get it.

**Somehow that doesn't surprise me.**


	40. Treachery: Ugolino della Gherardesca

As the head of a powerful Ghibelline family, Ugolino's political alignment was determined before he was even born. Despite being best known as a Pisan politician, Ugolino actually got his start in politics when he became the governor of Sardinia following the capture of Frederick II's illegitimate son, King Enzio of Sardinia, in 1249. After losing the island to the Genoans in 1259, he returned to his family's ancestral home of Pisa, where he inherited the title Count of Donoratico. He also became the leader of the city's Ghibellines, as well as the city's leader, or podestá. When he married his sister to the Pisian Guelph Giovanni Visconti in 1271, however, his Ghibelline allies started to become suspicious. Later, in 1274, several incidents of civil unrest inspired the Ghibellines to arrest both Ugolino and Giovanni. Giovanni was banished and died shortly afterwards. Ugolino, now no longer seen as a threat, was released from prison and banished as well. He soon contacted the Guelph cities of Florence and Lucca, and aided them in a successful attack on Pisa. He forced the city to let him and all the other Guelphs back into the city with full pardons, imposed several embarrassing terms of defeat, and then decided to retire from active politics. A while later, in 1784, war broke out between Genoa and Pisa. The fleets of the two cities faced each other that same year at the Battle of Meloria, which proved to be a horrible defeat for the Pisans. The Genoans captured eleven thousand, including Alberto Morosini, the new podestá. Ugolino had been at the battle, but had fled back to Pisa when he saw how the battle was going. Panic spread through Pisa as Florence and Lucca, taking advantage of the Pisan defeat at Meloria, began advancing on the city to grab more land. Ugolino used the panic to become the city's podestá once again. He appeased Florence and Lucca by ceding a few castles to them, but balked when Genoa offered peace under similar terms, mainly because he didn't want Genoa's Pisan prisoners, many of which were prominent Ghibellines, released. After the crisis with Florence and Lucca had ended, Ugolino was forced to share control of the city with his nephew Nino Visconti, Giovanni's son. Neither could stand the other, and in 1287, Nino began to court the favor of the newly appointed and highly ambitious Archbishop of Pisa, Ruggieri degli Ubaldini, as well as the Ghibellines. Ruggieri, seeing an opportunity to advance himself while weakening his two main rivals, told Ugolino about Nino's alliance with the Ghibellines. Enraged, Ugolino banished Nino, as well as several Ghibelline families, and proclaimed himself the sole ruler of Pisa. During this time, Genoa tried to reopen peace negotiations, this time asking only financial reparations, but Ugolino continued to ignore them. A year later, food shortages led to a series of riots in Pisa, during one of which Ugolino's soldiers accidentally killed Ruggieri's nephew. Furious, Ruggieri led a successful Ghibelline revolt against Ugolino and declared himself the new podestá. His first order of business was to imprison Ugolino in the tower of Muda, along with his innocent sons, Gaddo and Uguccione, and grandsons, Nino and Anselmuccio. One year later, Ruggieri ordered that the keys to Ugolino's prison be removed from the jailors and thrown in the Arno River. Ugolino is in Hell for betraying Pisa to the Guelphs.

**Unfortunate as Ugolino's fate was, it doesn't give him the right to be exempt from his punishment. He was a backstabbing politician who was willing to betray even his own family and friends for political gain. While he was not the worst man who ever lived, he certainly was not a righteous one, and was certainly a treacherous one.**

_You're right of course, but I have to ask, where's Ruggieri?_

Excuse me?

_In the original, Ugolino was trapped in the ice right behind Ruggieri, where he was allowed some measure of vengeance for the injustice done to him by being allowed to eat Ruggieri's brains for the rest of eternity. Surely that's gruesome enough for the game. So why didn't they include it?_

Presumably the developers didn't feel like doing that kind of extra work once they reached the last circle; now can we finish this thing?


	41. Treachery: Lucifer

Formerly God's right-hand man, Lucifer decided that he would be better at ruling the universe than God, and led an army of angels loyal to him in rebellion. Unsurprisingly, God managed to stop them, and Lucifer and his followers were cast into Hell, to find comfort in the sins of those that come to them, and punish them for these sins. Lucifer himself is a massive, three-headed monstrosity, trapped from the waist down in the lake of ice at the center of Hell. According to the game, the only things keeping him from breaking out of the ice were several chains that had bound him. Over the course of the game, Dante breaks these chains with his scythe in order to get past them and farther into Hell. This, it turns out, was Lucifer's plan all along, and he only took Beatrice so that Dante would follow her into Hell and inadvertently free him from his chains. One might express disbelief that God would chain the Devil with such flimsy chains, or question why, if Satan needed Dante to do this in order to escape, he would do everything in his power to destroy Dante, but these questions do not address whether or not Lucifer should be redeemed, and have no real answers anyway.

**I'm glad to see that you've finally started covering your bases. As to why the Devil shouldn't be redeemed… well, I mean, come on. I love working for him, but let's face it, he's the embodiment of all that is evil. That doesn't leave much room for debate!**

_Really, why are we even talking about this? Is there any doubt as to what our conclusion will be?_

**Wait… didn't you say that you get paid by the soul a while ago?**

Er…


	42. Treachery: Dante Alighieri

The original Dante Alighieri was a 13th century Florentine noble who was exiled from his native city when he got on the bad side of the pope. Disillusioned with politics and the papacy in general, Dante used his inner turmoil as inspiration for his greatest work: the epic poem called The Divine Comedy. The poem is an exploration of a potential form of the afterlife, man's relationship to the divine, the power of God, and the nature of sin, to name just a few; and would be instrumental in the formation of the western world's philosophy. The game's Dante was a late 12th century mercenary who also happened to be the son of a rural lord who lived on the outskirts of Florence. He was scheduled to marry a woman named Beatrice, but when the call for the Third Crusade went out, he followed it in the hope of receiving God's blessing. However, the crusade twisted Dante, and he broke his vow to be faithful to Beatrice with an Arab woman begging for her husband's life. He then snapped completely, and led the massacre of the Arab prisoners that had been held at Acre. During an offensive by Sultan Saladin against Acre, the husband of the Arab woman Dante had had sex with stabbed him in the back. Dante killed Death and stole his, her, or its scythe, but apparently was still dead despite that. He then sowed a giant cross into his chest that was made out of tapestry stills depicting all the sins he and his close friends and family had committed in their lives. He did this either because, as a damned soul, he must carry his sins with him (although this begs the question of why none of the other souls in Hell have crosses on their chest) or because he wanted to show illustrations of his actions whenever he told anyone his back-story. After that, Dante somehow got back to Florence, arriving on a horse he got from heaven knows where, and discovered that his father and Beatrice have both already been killed by the very same assassin who killed Dante, who, apparently, booked it to the nearest ship as soon as he killed Dante, sailed to Italy, becoming intimately familiar with Dante's family tree and the geography of Italy along the way, rode to the Alighieri villa, killed Beatrice and Dante's dad, and then ran away just before Dante arrived. Anyway, Dante, still unaware that he was dead, arrived just in time to see Satan's spirit form abduct his fiancée's soul.

_What's the point of chaining up the Devil if he can still…_

Can we just finish this already? Thank you. Anyway, This led him on the long chase that is Dante's Inferno, the videogame.

_Dante came a long way to save those he cared about, and, what's more, expressed guilt…_

**For framing Francesco for his crimes rather than taking the blame himself. This Dante never expresses any guilt for any other of his crimes at any time, and seems to think that the more things he's killed, the holier he'll be; a philosophy that rarely works. Also, I'm fairly certain that, since God helped create Hell, wrecking it might just be somewhat sinful.**

_Well, this Dante did say that he was willing to stay in the 9th Circle to atone for his crimes…_

**But instead of doing that decides to keep going forward anyway, despite the fact that he's already saved Beatrice, and has literally no motivation other than: "The Devil stole my woman for a while, so now I've got to kick his ass!" This releases Lucifer from his prison, however, so that's one good thing Dante did. Well, good from a demon's perspective, anyway. It probably wouldn't seem as good to you angels and humans.**

_He is a hard case to argue for, I must say._

Well, apparently the game's writer disagrees with you, because Dante just got redeemed.

**Oh, what a shocker.**

More specifically, Dante was redeemed by all the souls that he'd collected on his journey, which also re-incarcerate Lucifer, send Dante to Purgatory, and turn the cross Dante had stitched on his chest into ash; and before you two say anything, yes I realize that his probably was meant to come off as very deep, but is really just confusing.


	43. Epilogue

Well, it looks like that's all of them! While our team of experts send our judges back to their respective planes of existence, I'd like to thank you, the reader, for reading this humble work of art, as well as my producers for making this all possible.

**Also, don't forget, gentle readers, be sure to read only the Inferno part of The Divine Comedy. All that later stuff about hope and joy and goodness? Total trash. Besides, you're probably going to Hell anyway, so why not be prepared for it? In fact, since you're going to Hell anyway, you might as well give up on trying to be virtuous. After all, virtue is hard and boring, and who wants to waste the already too brief amount of time given to us worrying about something as dull as morality? Go out and have the time of your lives, and if your conscience says it's wrong, then it must be right, since all your conscience is good for is keeping you down!**

H-how did you get in this room?

**The door.**

Ah. And how exactly did you get out of your room?

**Hm? Oh, right, that; see, I got bored just sitting around, waiting to be sent back to Hell, so I decided to destroy one of the room's walls and have some fun.**

But what about all our security measures? The garlic?

**That's for vampires, genius, not demons.**

The Japanese spirit wards?

**Those only work in holy shrines. This is an office building. There's a difference.**

The holy water? Surely that must have had an effect!

**You really shouldn't trust everyone you meet on eBay.**

My producers bought the holy water off eBay?

**Hey, they were on a budget! Besides, does it really matter anymore?**

…No, I guess not. So, uh… does this mean the apocalypse is about to begin?

**Oh no, you'll get some warning signs when that's coming: rampant famine, visions of dead martyrs, a third of the sun and moon disappearing; you know, Revelations and all that.**

Oh. Good.

**No, I'll just cause a bit of havoc and be on my way.**

…W-what kind of havoc?

**Oh, just the usual. I'll probably blow up the Louvre, get Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann elected president and vice president, make Russia accidentally nuke Shanghai; you know. That sort of thing.**

Ah. Well, I wish you good luck with that, now if you'll just excuse me…

**You're not going anywhere, chatterbox. See, I've been sitting on my ass talking for so long now; I'm worried I'm a bit out of practice with the whole "inflicting pain and misery" thing. So, I'm going to warm-up on you for a bit. I'd like to say it's nothing personal, but it's a sin to lie.**

_Hold it right there!_

**Oh joy. It's you.**

Okay, now how on Earth did you get out of your room?

_Nothing can stand before the mi-…_

**Might of God, blah, blah, blah, because he's so powerful and good and wise and so on. Hey, Mike, how about, instead of trying to fight me and getting beaten into a bloody pulp, you slowly pull that stick from out of your ass, go to Vegas, and find out what it feels like to get laid? Or are you afraid that giant excuse for a feather duster you have on your back is going to get stuck in a doorway?**

…_THAT'S IT! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DIVINE RETRIBUTION, YOU VILLAINOUS FIEND!_

**BRING IT, DOUCHE!**

Oh, this is _not_ going to look good on my performance review… Anyway, I'd like to take this time to say that it's been a truly… interesting experience to do this, thank our special guest judges, who are currently otherwise preoccupied, and kindly ask my gracious readers to SEND HELP!


End file.
